The Malaise of Envy

I have been wondering the last few days whether human beings are programmed simply not to be content with the blessings they've got. You know, the Grass Is Always Greener Syndrome. I currently have a roof over my head, family who loves me, a job, and I'm nearly finished with my thesis. And yet I envy the homes some of my friends have been able to buy. They aren't necessarily the Taj Mahal, but they are their spaces. I crave a house of my own, space of my own, so that I can indulge in a long standing nesting instinct. Another friend of mine has an incredible marriage with her husband. They're very much in love and yet she envies her friends who have babies (because that is her deepest desire). Those same friends with the baby envy her marriage because she and her hubby are still incredibly in love (which actually makes me wonder about people who may have had a baby to fill some sort of void that would have better been filled by actually working on their marriage, but I don't know them, so I certainly can't judge). At the moment I can't think of anyone I know who is perfectly content with their life.

I wonder what it is in our make up that makes us unable to be content? Does it go back to Eden and eating the fruit of knowledge? Is this a modern malaise? Is this limited to the Western world? Just human nature? I'm not sure. It's a terrible way to look at life, though, isn't it? Someone out there somewhere will always have something we don't have and may want. Would we all be more satisfied if we spent the same amount of energy being positive about and working on our own lives that we do envying those of others? Happiness is very much a state of mind. But it seems to be a state that most people haven't mastered.

So that having been said, I'm continuing on with my list of blessings. I know, I know. I'm terrible about remembering to write them down every day, but at least I'm thinking about them.

1. I've got my thesis back from my last committee member and have only to finish his corrections before I can resubmit it to be signed off upon.
2. I've got taco soup for supper.
3. Angel seems to be regaining some muscle tone in her injured shoulder.

Daily Blessings

1. Peanut butter ice cream
2. New jeans that fit
3. Puppy cuddles

Daily Blessings

Okay so I am not even going to try to think back over the last two days to backdate some blessings. I've had a lot of ups and downs the last couple of days. Yesterday I was informed that the two classes I was supposed to teach this semester were being pulled because I do not yet have my degree in hand, nor the letter from the dean indicating that I have completed all of my degree requirements because I haven't because I have had to wait on other people through this whole process. So that is very frustrating and disappointing. But I am trying to find the positives.

1. Even with just the assistantship we can afford to move out and into our own space, even if it is just a rental.
2. I have more time to write for the semester.
3. I am getting to take Psych and Law, which I wanted to take for the last two years and it would never fit in my shedule.
4. I really enjoy my coworkers at the assistantship
5. I have a reason to get up in the morning, so I naturally am waking up earlier.

Daily Blessings

1. A job!!!!!!!!
2. Cheesecake
3. Successful plotting (I'm a writer, I do that...)

Daily Blessings

Okay, so I'm not so great about remembering to write these down...

Friday:
1. Got a new book!
2. My skintone is improving with this new skin care regimin
3. Kate and Leopold came in on our Netflix cue

Saturday:
1. It stayed at around 90 or below ALL DAY!
2. Got some quality time with hubby!
3. Got the last book in the triology I'm reading!

Daily Blessings

Well I forgot to do this yesterday.

1. Great night's sleep
2. Fabulous new hair cut
3. Sour Patch Kids

And for today:

1. Finished writing my first lecture
2. I'm not pregnant (I didn't think I was, but it's always nice to have it confirmed)
3. Tried a new recipe for cowboy hash, and it was fabulous

Daily Blessings

So I have made a pact with myself to be better about counting my blessings. I thought I would start recording 3 a day here, just as a reminder that there are still good things in my life, even though not everything is going as I would like.

1. New air conditioning!
2. The Durango is fixed and we didn't have to go into debt to pay for it!
3. I'm having a great hair day! (shallow, I know, but I have a thing about hair)

Disappointment

It's been quite some time since last I updated. I've been busy finishing up thesis. My defense is tomorrow, and I am feeling very morose, I suppose. I'm not dreading the defense (I'm not looking forward to it either...), but rather pensive after receiving word today (2 days before it would have been a month) that I did not receive the job I so ardently wanted. They didn't even call. Just sent a rather impersonal email stating that while my qualifications were good, that had chosen another candidate. I'm not upset--not yet anyway. Putting that off until after tomorrow, as I've more important things that require my attention. But before I sit down for the 3 consecutive rehersals of my defense presentation, I felt like writing a bit here. Mostly I am angry. At them for being so unprofessional and discourteous to take nearly a bloody month to make a decision between two people. And at myself for getting my hopes up, on more than one front, and dragging my feet on applying to a couple of other jobs I really ought to have applied for. C'est la vie. Mostly I am disappointed because this was a job I really wanted to do, and that is such a rare opportunity. And so it looks very much like I will be stuck doing just a job for a paycheck again.

I don't know exactly in what spirit I should look at this. On the one hand, this is just another thing in the long list of disappointments I've dealt with this year. One after the other hearing rejections from each of the seven graduate schools to which I applied. Then this, the second job for which I interviewed and did not get (though I really harbor no ill will about the first one, as that person was WAY more qualified than I). But that doesn't feel right. A friend passed along this thought of the day from her pastor:

I am not discouraged,
because every failure is another step forward.
-Thomas A. Edison [adapted]

For most of us life is not a clear path where every step is a obvious sign of forward movement. So an outlook of trust, a faith that even in failure that there is a gift is so important.

I like the sentiment of Psalm 4:5, “Offer right sacrifices, and put your trust in the Lord”. It calls us to do what we can (offer right sacrifices) and then let go and trust in the Lord. May you welcome the gift of knowing that even in the step backward there is a blessing.

Okay, so I am trying to find the positive spin on this experience. So far I haven't found the blessing, other than perhaps the fact that if these people are this inefficient, I probably wouldn't have wanted to work with them anyway. I do feel discouraged. And sure as hell tired of stepping backwards. I know that my not getting this job means that I am supposed to do something else. I just can't see what that is right now. But there's nothing more I can do right this moment other than prepare for my thesis defense, at which I will knock their socks off. And between final formatting and designing my online class, I shall be proactive as I should have been all the last month and apply for whatever I can find. It won't really make me feel a whole lot better, but at least it is action. At least I deserve a consolatory ice cream.