Disappointment

It's been quite some time since last I updated. I've been busy finishing up thesis. My defense is tomorrow, and I am feeling very morose, I suppose. I'm not dreading the defense (I'm not looking forward to it either...), but rather pensive after receiving word today (2 days before it would have been a month) that I did not receive the job I so ardently wanted. They didn't even call. Just sent a rather impersonal email stating that while my qualifications were good, that had chosen another candidate. I'm not upset--not yet anyway. Putting that off until after tomorrow, as I've more important things that require my attention. But before I sit down for the 3 consecutive rehersals of my defense presentation, I felt like writing a bit here. Mostly I am angry. At them for being so unprofessional and discourteous to take nearly a bloody month to make a decision between two people. And at myself for getting my hopes up, on more than one front, and dragging my feet on applying to a couple of other jobs I really ought to have applied for. C'est la vie. Mostly I am disappointed because this was a job I really wanted to do, and that is such a rare opportunity. And so it looks very much like I will be stuck doing just a job for a paycheck again.

I don't know exactly in what spirit I should look at this. On the one hand, this is just another thing in the long list of disappointments I've dealt with this year. One after the other hearing rejections from each of the seven graduate schools to which I applied. Then this, the second job for which I interviewed and did not get (though I really harbor no ill will about the first one, as that person was WAY more qualified than I). But that doesn't feel right. A friend passed along this thought of the day from her pastor:

I am not discouraged,
because every failure is another step forward.
-Thomas A. Edison [adapted]

For most of us life is not a clear path where every step is a obvious sign of forward movement. So an outlook of trust, a faith that even in failure that there is a gift is so important.

I like the sentiment of Psalm 4:5, “Offer right sacrifices, and put your trust in the Lord”. It calls us to do what we can (offer right sacrifices) and then let go and trust in the Lord. May you welcome the gift of knowing that even in the step backward there is a blessing.

Okay, so I am trying to find the positive spin on this experience. So far I haven't found the blessing, other than perhaps the fact that if these people are this inefficient, I probably wouldn't have wanted to work with them anyway. I do feel discouraged. And sure as hell tired of stepping backwards. I know that my not getting this job means that I am supposed to do something else. I just can't see what that is right now. But there's nothing more I can do right this moment other than prepare for my thesis defense, at which I will knock their socks off. And between final formatting and designing my online class, I shall be proactive as I should have been all the last month and apply for whatever I can find. It won't really make me feel a whole lot better, but at least it is action. At least I deserve a consolatory ice cream.