The Thoughtful Spot

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Boredom and Homesickness

"The most exhausting thing in the world, Victoria Bradshaw decided, was not having enough to do." ~Rosamund Pilcher, Wild Mountain Thyme

I am living proof of the veracity of that statement. It's Sunday, the long day at my job, and I am utterly exhausted from doing, well, nothing. I've tried writing a bit, but that's not going terribly well. I started reading the above referenced book. I've looked at local real estate to see what houses comparable to ours are going for. I've made a list of all the things I would like to buy once I start my new job in August (everything from trees, to a home gym, to imported cheese...yeah my tastes are varied). I'm having a hard time staying awake today because it's too warm and there's nothing to do!

I find myself incredibly homesick today. Mississippi, despite being my birthplace and residence for most of my lifetime, is not home. The place that draws my heart continues to be Scotland. I'd give a great deal to be walking the banks of Loch Tay today, or out sailing. Actually I'd give a great deal for a nap. But that's neither here nor there. This is when I tend to immerse myself in books about Scotland, soaking up the brogue and dreaming.

I had a point to this when I started, but I think the lack of air conditioning has fried my brain...

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Kairos

The other day I happened across an article in one of the myriad frugal/thrifty newsletters to which I subscribe about the benefits of roasting your own coffee beans. Evidently buying roasted beans is about $8-9 a pound and you can buy and roast them yourself for half that cost. In addition, green beans apparently have an almost indefinite shelf life, as opposed to the already roasted beans, which can rapidly grow stale when exposed to temperature extremes, air, and light. From the perspective of someone who bakes her own bread and will soon be embarking on the adventure of making my own yogurt (I will let you know how that works after this weekend), I found this interesting, despite the fact that I am most decidedly NOT a coffee drinker. But I happened to mention the article to a friend who IS a big coffee drinker. Her comment on the subject was that the savings was not worth the value of her time. In the ensuing friendly debate, she elaborated in economic terms. Her time is worth $x per hour based on her pay scale. She lives in the city, commutes 2 hours a day, and has very limited free time, so in her mind, unless she enjoys something or it saves as much or more than her time is "worth", there's no point. While her argument has logical sense from a business perspective, I found myself outright rejecting the notion of placing an economic value on my free time. I felt that somehow cheapened the true value of my time.

The conversation we had and a book I am currently reading (A Sideways Look At Time) have got me thinking a lot about time. My husband and I both work unconventional hours. He, as a 911 Emergency Dispatcher has the 3pm-11pm shift. I work halftime as a survey research center supervisor on Mondays, Tuesdays, and every other Friday from 5:30-9:30 and Sundays from 1-9, and otherwise, am an adjunct online instructor for a local community college--which allows me to mostly set my own hours. We do not operate on the same schedule as the rest of the world, a point which is frequently commented upon by various and sundry people from friends to family to total strangers. In some of them there is a defensiveness about it--as if we are somehow wrong because we do not adhere to traditional chronological, regimented schedules. My father was shocked and appalled when he called last week, and I was having breakfast at 1 PM (nevermind that I'd already been UP for four hours). Some envy the freedom our unusual schedule permits. We wake and sleep to our own internal clocks. We eat when we are hungry, not because it is "dinner time". We have DVR, so we don't even have to watch our preferred programming at its scheduled time. We are able to live, in many ways, in a much more kairological time. Kairos was the other Greek god of time--the god of qualitative time rather than the absolute, linear time of Chronos. I find this notion of kairological time very appealing in this world that has run amok in its obsession with speed, competition, profit, and winning. This is one reason I would make an abysmal candidate for any form of corporate job. It is also why, despite my ability to see the logic in my friend's very economic argument, I cannot agree with it. Dorothy Lee writes in Freedom and Culture: "For the Greek traditionally, to work against time, to hurry, is to forfeit freedom. His term for hurry means, originally, to coerce oneself." This is exactly how I feel. As a slave to a clock or a corporation or so much of the traditional American world--devoid of freedom. This is what I see in my friends who are a part of that world, where they are stressed and caught up and generally unhappy. By contrast, my unconventional lifestyle is a blessing indeed. I want to stay as much as possible in kairological time. Where I'm not obsessed with time, and hours of the day can go by without my ever checking a clock. Where I can take time out to play with my dogs on some sunny afternoon, or take them for a leisurely (leisurely by these puppies' standards is speed walking!) stroll. Where I can appreciate events and activities and happenings because I actually experienced them instead of worrying about the next thing over the horizon, where I have to be in a year, a day, or an hour. I spent enough of my life riding that train. My falling off of it (or perhaps being thrown, given my lack of choice in much of the matter this past year) , was truly a gift from God.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Astral Reflection

It's been ages since I last posted, I know. We had Thanksgiving and Christmas and an influx of family, my graduation (yippee!), a departure of family, and a final settling in to accomplish. Not to mention the design of the general psychology course I am teaching this semester! It hasn't left a great deal of time for reflection. As the old year has passed into the new, I've started back to church and begun some daily devotional reading. Among this reading is Glimpses of Grace by Madeleine L'Engle, which is a fantastic little book of daily meditations. L"Engle often mentions the stars and the heavens, prompting a sense of wonder at the general infinity of the universe and the fact that God knows the number of hairs on our heads. In the course of my reading for a lecture on neuropsychology today, the author of the textbook mentioned that the human nervous system is composed of 100 billion neurons--which is approximately the number of stars in our galaxy. For some reason that struck a chord in me--that parallel between the universe and our inner universe. Sort of a beautiful symmetry between macro and micro. The image of stars in my brain makes me smile and gives new meaning to having my head in the clouds. If we were created in God's image, wouldn't it be interesting if the stars we see twinkling in the velvet black of a winter's night are really the neurons in His brain? I was about to say something about the action potential of prayer just there, which is probably a good indicator that I should get back to my lecture writing.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Observations on Christmas

I confess that over the years I have been known to listen to Christmas music as early as July (often as a psychological means to beat the heat...wishful thinking, aye?). And it does seem that on a retail level, stores keep pushing the holidays sooner and sooner. The moment one is over, another holiday's memorabilia hits the aisles. It used to be that fairly reliably, the Christmas shopping season began at Thanksgiving. Over the past decade it has crept earlier and earlier until at last this year Christmas decorations appeared the day after Halloween! Since Thanksgiving is not really a holiday from which retailers profit (other than Black Friday), they have completely skipped over it and already begun pushing Buy Buy Buy! The message we are continually bombarded with is that Christmas is all about gifts. We have a local radio station that routinely begins playing Christmas music (entirely, nothing else) right after Thanksgiving. It's something I have always enjoyed in years past, so when they started up a few weeks before turkey day, I happily tuned in. They've been playing an assortment of favorites, but one song that often gets played that just absolutely grates on me is Santa Baby. The lyrics are as follows:

Santa baby, slip a sable under the tree, for me
Been an awful good girl
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby, an out of space convertible too, light blue
I'll wait up for you dear
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Think of all the fun I've missed
Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed
Next year I could be o' so good
If you'd check off my Christmas list
-Bee Doo Bee Doo

Santa honey, I wanna yacht and really that's
Not a lot
Been an angel all year
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa cutie, theres one thing I really do need, the deed
To a platinum mine
Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby, fill my stocking with a duplex, and checks
Sign your 'X' on the line
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Come and trim my Christmas tree
With some decorations bought at Tiffany's
I really do believe in you
Let's see if you believe in me
Boo doo bee doo

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, a ring
I don't mean on the phone
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Hurry down the chimney tonight
Hurry down the chimney tonight...


Apart from what appears to be a disturbing sexual fixation on Santa Claus, it is an endless list of obscenely expensive things, as if that is the point. This is perhaps the epitome of the crass commercialism that has come to dominate America these days. They skip entirely over Thanksgiving, a time of year at which we ought to count our blessings and give thanks for the goodness in our lives and the family and friends who surround us, then move on to the absolute least important aspect of the Christmas season. Sure presents are fun...but for me the joy is in the giving, not the receiving. I LOVE picking out (or making) thoughtful gifts, to say something about how special the recipient is to me. After that song came on the radio yesterday I was immediately inclined to find somewhere to volunteer. As it was after 5 PM, I didn't actually get the opportunity to call the church to find out what they're doing as a Christmas charities this year, but I'll do that tomorrow afternoon (working this afternoon and tomorrow morning and have class to deal with). I would rather focus on the real reason for the season. My husband and I have set our budget for our entire Christmas list at a mere $150 (which is a considerable improvement over the hundreds we've spent in years past). Other than a few isolated purchases, we are creating our gifts in the comfort of our own kitchen. Consumable gifts that everyone can enjoy and no one has to store! Except perhaps on their hips...

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

The Malaise of Envy

I have been wondering the last few days whether human beings are programmed simply not to be content with the blessings they've got. You know, the Grass Is Always Greener Syndrome. I currently have a roof over my head, family who loves me, a job, and I'm nearly finished with my thesis. And yet I envy the homes some of my friends have been able to buy. They aren't necessarily the Taj Mahal, but they are their spaces. I crave a house of my own, space of my own, so that I can indulge in a long standing nesting instinct. Another friend of mine has an incredible marriage with her husband. They're very much in love and yet she envies her friends who have babies (because that is her deepest desire). Those same friends with the baby envy her marriage because she and her hubby are still incredibly in love (which actually makes me wonder about people who may have had a baby to fill some sort of void that would have better been filled by actually working on their marriage, but I don't know them, so I certainly can't judge). At the moment I can't think of anyone I know who is perfectly content with their life.

I wonder what it is in our make up that makes us unable to be content? Does it go back to Eden and eating the fruit of knowledge? Is this a modern malaise? Is this limited to the Western world? Just human nature? I'm not sure. It's a terrible way to look at life, though, isn't it? Someone out there somewhere will always have something we don't have and may want. Would we all be more satisfied if we spent the same amount of energy being positive about and working on our own lives that we do envying those of others? Happiness is very much a state of mind. But it seems to be a state that most people haven't mastered.

So that having been said, I'm continuing on with my list of blessings. I know, I know. I'm terrible about remembering to write them down every day, but at least I'm thinking about them.

1. I've got my thesis back from my last committee member and have only to finish his corrections before I can resubmit it to be signed off upon.
2. I've got taco soup for supper.
3. Angel seems to be regaining some muscle tone in her injured shoulder.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Daily Blessings

1. Peanut butter ice cream
2. New jeans that fit
3. Puppy cuddles

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Daily Blessings

Okay so I am not even going to try to think back over the last two days to backdate some blessings. I've had a lot of ups and downs the last couple of days. Yesterday I was informed that the two classes I was supposed to teach this semester were being pulled because I do not yet have my degree in hand, nor the letter from the dean indicating that I have completed all of my degree requirements because I haven't because I have had to wait on other people through this whole process. So that is very frustrating and disappointing. But I am trying to find the positives.

1. Even with just the assistantship we can afford to move out and into our own space, even if it is just a rental.
2. I have more time to write for the semester.
3. I am getting to take Psych and Law, which I wanted to take for the last two years and it would never fit in my shedule.
4. I really enjoy my coworkers at the assistantship
5. I have a reason to get up in the morning, so I naturally am waking up earlier.