Big Decisions

Well the grand Grad School Campaign is drawing to a close. I have received rejections from all but two schools, and those I expect any day now. After my rejection from Texas A & M, I decided to be proactive and get my resume updated and uploaded to all the major job search engines. I have taken each letter with philosophical grace--I am simply supposed to do something else. Other than writing, I don't know what that Something Else is. I have been slowly moving forward on my novel and fending off the questions of well-wishers who have been routing for me throughout the Campaign. My own disappointment I can handle. I cannot absorb anyone else's. After this week I am wearing a little thin. I met with my boss for supervision this morning and we just sort of skipped that part and she asked how I was doing. With everyone else I have been fine. But with this lovely, intuitive woman looking at me I felt like dissolving into a puddle. Which of course Wouldn't Do as I spent a great deal of time and effort on my non-tear-proof makeup this morning, and I was supposed to have 3 clients today (2 didn't show). I described my proactive stance and she encouraged me to be RE-active. I haven't cried. It's been inconvenient or inappropriate when I felt like it and once I was alone, I couldn't do it. That's how I have always been. Which amounts to crying very little. Except at movies. So perhaps I should rent a sad movie this weekend just to get it out. The Patriot would do the trick. I bawled all the way through it when I watched it in the theater once the youngest son dies. I have been under so much stress these last few months. I have now traded one Limbo for another. At least the previous version was confined to specific locations. Now I don't know where we will go or what specifically I will do.

I feel like this is a sign I should get out of psychology entirely, and I have been looking towards the publishing industry. There are a great many positives to going on to get a Real Job rather than continuing on to the next level of graduate study. I will have more time to spend with my husband and solidify our marriage. I will have more time to write for ME and actually finish the manuscripts that have been floating around in my brain. We will be able to pay off our remaining debt that much sooner. If Miles (my blue Grand Cherokee with nearly 140,000 miles) dies in the next year, I can afford to get another used vehicle that runs. We will be able to buy a house before we're 32. I will have time to WORK on that house. I will have time for a Life. I do feel, deep down, that this is the Right Thing To Do. It's just scary. And it's hard to give up a long cherished dream. Particularly when one doesn't know what one will do instead.


In the meantime, I am doing everything I can to hold it together through the end of the semester (which is in 2 weeks). Then I will simply take a few days off of work and go to pieces. I have scheduled a half hour massage for Wednesday next week. I was going to wait until the semester finished, but... It's $35 which I probably ought not spend since my husband is currently unemployed, but I need it. I'm wound up so incredibly tight. I am also emailing my dad to let him know that since I am going to get a Real Job, I need a proper briefcase, and I have picked one out for a graduation present. And I'm scheduling a shopping trip with my mother to go pick out a nice professional business suit that helps counteract the fact that I look all of about 16 rather than a mature 26.

Now I'm going to continue to hope that my 1 o'clock doesn't show (I'm terrible I know...) so that I can go home early and nap. I had another bout of insomnia last night, so I'm very sleepy today.